Please Love me Anyway

Someday, these thoughts will dominate my fragile mind as I sit and stare at the wall. I'm getting to be way too old. My leaping tall buildings barely gets me off the mark and my landings are mini disasters. My twelve minute mile is just an entry in an old log book.

There's the imaginary race I signed up for this morning. It seemed I got a bad start. I'd like to explain that I may not have heard the starter's pistol, but I probably was letting something else distract me. I'm sure I didn't know which way to run. I'm certain I didn't know how far I'd have to go, and I was completely unaware of how big a load I'd have to carry with me.

I'm suspicious that the molassas I'm in came from natural causes. At least that's what I'd like to say. There was a time when I could high jump my own height (pretty good) and pole vault twice my height (not saying too much). Now, I'd fall flat and break something I probably wouldn't need anyway.

Memories like that light up my mornings and evenings when boredom and dullness try to dim things. I have an album that pulls incredible memories back to where I can see them again, and I tell visitors my album is the first thing I'd grab if the fire alarm sounds.

I get help every day. Actually, I've always had help, and there have been some times when I failed to say thank you. I regret those times, and I'm not sure I could ever make up for my slight. It's unlikely that I'll always be able to remember a good way to express my gratitude, so I've thought of a little gift of appreciation I'll try to remember to send...It's time. I'll tell a story or make a picture that will give a moment of hope. I'll describe some little thing you did that made me smile, and maybe it will give your memory a tingle. Knowing that I had a moment of joy could give you one, too. That's what I'll hope for.

On those times when I was grouchy, there was probably some trigger that's unimportant now. If I could have thought more about how my insensitivity would leave its toll, I wish I had thought it through before it happened. There were lots of times when I let circumstances sneak in and fool me, but now I realize it's because I wasn't prepared. If I could have thought through how to trust and rely on the Boy Scout motto, I'd have been better prepared. The same salve applied to those times when I was unkind, impatient, or insensitive would have been theraputic, too, and I wish I'd used some of it right away. It was right there in my kit with courteous, kind, and obedient.

If you try me with the memory test, I'll probably do pretty good. If the test is fifteen instructions, three only maybe with ifs and thens, six for a future consideration, two or three based on assumptions that may or not be right, and one with a high priority but at an unknown location, I'll fail. I'll remember fourteen, but that one that escapes me will be the one that's vital. Thank goodness I'm not in the bomb disposal business.

When I try to figure out who's to blame, I try to be objective about it...no guessing and no crazy assumptions. Then, I remember that blame is just a game unless there's a lesson that will make tomorrow better. Excuse me for judging. If you're to blame for something it would be better if you'd just be up front about it. Everybody will think more of you. You won't suddenly become blameless, but that dose of humility will trigger something like the relief you get when you step out of a confessional.

I've been guilty and I've been innocent. The smoke that wisps up from my ears comes from those times when I really was innocent, but someone accused me, convicted me, and nailed me to the tree up there. It's hard on your mind when you realize you're defenseless in the process. There's actually a relief when you put your guilt to bed, but there's an everlasting snag in your psyche when you're nailed for being innocent.

So there's the debilitation of my body and mind that could tempt you to want less of me. It wouldn't be unexpected for you to do fewer visits, shorter talks, or a complete walk-away. But, please love me anyway. When we're together, please be kind and patient. Please accept me with my three year old behaviors, because they're all I've got right now. Humor my self-centeredness and my forgetfulness. I'll probably remember things that happened sixty years ago and go blank on your last sentence. You won't send me to get two things at the supermarket, because I'll probably fail. Don't let me wander through the neighborhood without a tracker or an ID badge on a lanyard. Please just accept me just the way I am. Please. Someday, you'll need to ask for the same things, and let's pray a someone who loves you unconditionally is there with you.