Teaching Patience

Every infant has frequent needs for a caregiver to neutralize hunger, discomfort, & fear. The infant has only one mechanism (crying) to use as his/her signal mechanism.

Let's consider four infants (gender may be male or female)

• Infant A gets fed, changed, and coddled so frequently he's never uncomfortable for more than a moment. He seldom has a reason to be impatient, and patience is hit or miss.
• Infant B is neglected. Feeding is at random times, and there is no connection with his crying and his feeding. Infant B learns that he has no influence on getting what he needs. He develops a sense of hopelessness.
• Infant C cries when hunger or discomfort strike. He is serviced in a reasonable time, but he comes to believe that it is his crying that causes the comforting response. As an adolescent, C believes he can cry to get what he wants at the dinner table, the supermarket, the toy store, etc.
• Infant D is on a schedule. Feeding time is regular. When D gets hungry, he has learned that his feeding is not triggered by crying, but by the clock. Caring for this infant occurs on time every time. He learns that waiting is rewarded on a predictable schedule. For D, there's a reward for patience. His caretaker is rewarded with an adolescent who learns patience.

So what can a parent do? It seems that infant D has the best chance of developing patience, and when a parent establishes a disciplined approach to parenting “on a schedule”, the child gets to practice patience. As the infant becomes an adolescent, meal times, school schedules, and other regular predictable events cement the needs to “wait patiently” for rewards that are sure to come.

Teenagers encounter a wide array of circumstances that can trigger impatience. Here are some major categories of persons who interact with teenagers:

• Parents
• Teachers and Administrators
• Police
• Coaches, Band Directors, Club Sponsors
• Doctors, Nurses, Healthcare Administrators
• Other Teenagers and Other Parents
• Business Owners
• Drivers
• Employers
• Pastors, Rabbis

How can all these people help teenagers avoid impatience?

• Operate your special service or trade according to a set of well known guidelines
• Follow the rules
• Maintain a regular predictable schedule
• Keep your commitments
• Set an example of excellence
• Be a role model for patience and self control

One of the most likely impatience triggers for teenagers lies with their parents' struggle to balance freedom with safety. Most parents don't want to let go. Kids want to push boundaries, and they want to be treated like mature adults. Usually though, maturity doesn't develop on its own. There are stages in the growth of maturity that take time, and there are outside influences that have to be present. Few parents are able to devise a lesson plan (or a care plan) that can be effective for their specific teen. Lots of parents fly seat-of-the-pants because they just don't have the time or energy. Most parents DON'T KNOW how to navigate their child's maturity journey, and many are confused when they try to piece together recollections of their own development.

There's nothing better than a great role model. Don't think you can hand your teenager a “How to Find Maturity” handbook and achieve magic results. Don't be fooled into thinking public school educations are designed to teach maturity, because they're not. Don't assume your teenager will “pick up” the key points of maturity and the “pillars of adult behavior” at the football game or in the parking lot after band practice.

Who are the role models who will make a difference? You're the CEO of the enterprise to produce and deliver a complete, mature young adult, so your behavior matters the most. We found that the most influential people in our teenagers' lives were other teenagers (peers), and it was almost universally true that the other parents directly had an influence on both their own children and our kids, too. If his friend Johnny had a curfew, our son understood (and respected the idea of) curfews. If Sara's parents took her to every soccer practice and they never missed a game, our daughter understood the loving care and the sacrifice we made for her soccer career. We said “yes” to major questions, too. Our twelve year olds got a little taste of driving (a VW beetle) in a little protected patch of an abandoned parking lot. By the time they were ready for an official beginner's permit at 15 or 16, each kid had already put in hours of practice. Each of them matured fully as automobile operators as the time came for getting drivers' licenses.

Armed with the above instructions, can you figure out how your quest to enable the development of your child's maturity is related to your ability to teach him/her patience? Have you scheduled enough time in your own life to devote sufficient role model time to your child's development?

Then think about this: Figure out when you yourself should be patient. Are there times when you should be impatient? Think about when you want your child to be patient and when his/her impatience is warranted.